A new day to write on

Attention Everyone: I am still alive!

Many apologies for the unnecessarily long delay in updating this blog; there were many times when I longed to be free to just write. It would be an understatement to simply say, “ I’ve been busy.”
Teaching has become a bottomless pit of work. It has steadily put a great strain on me, both physically and emotionally. In the last weeks, I have felt overwhelmed and overworked, to name only a few emotions. A fellow teacher shared with me the other day that the first months of teaching is all “ give, give, give,” with little to nothing received in return. I have felt the acute consequences of such a process.
After the initial two-week initiation, I assumed that I was winning the battle over classroom management- big mistake. I presume that what I was witnessing was the “ quiet before the storm” because the kids lambasted me with every comprehensible trick in the book, including those I never would have imagined. Austin, this is what you have been waiting (I am sure) to hear from me. It began slowly and annoyingly with my attendance and seating charts going “ missing” and the occasional abrupt singing of “ happy birthday” by the entire class. Then it escalated to the disappearance of my dry-erase markers and the incessant, paper ball throwing games behind my back. It peaked with someone throwing a pop bottle near my head while I was writing at the board and it culminated with a small fire being started in my class; yes, during class.
Whew, thinking about it still makes me cringe. Needless to say, major steps were immediately taken to prevent any further disaster. All the teachers and administration must have gotten wind of it because I have gotten countless offers of assistance. I had to grow a new layer of thick skin rather quickly and bring down the iron fist that I hastily acquired after the fire incident. The kids noted the change and felt alarmed at the drastic change in my discipline procedures.
I understood that taking on this job would be a challenge. I was ready to be humbled by this experience. I knew that in the beginning everything would appear daunting. I had even succumbed to wait for the moment when I would fail, but all of this did not lessen the intensity of the complete and utter lose of control I felt those days. I suppose I could relate a much longer and detailed account of the events following, but I think all that needs to said in order to calm your worries is that I prayed- a lot.
Of course, I initially despaired, but that quickly leads you to a place you can’t last very long without losing all hope and I find it a contradiction to be a Christian and not have hope. If there is anything that I gained from my undergraduate years at Calvin, it is- good old Christian Reformed theology-since depravity has touched every corner of God’s earth then so much more will God’s redemptive power reach every inch of his created order.
To be perfectly honest, I still don’t have a clue of what I am doing. Someone from church told me God is able to work perfectly in us when we don’t know how to do the work, because then we can be certain that when it is accomplished, it was all his doing. I don’t know how sound of theology that is exactly, but I do understand the underlying message behind the words. I am a big fan of common grace, so that withstanding, I have as of late, been rising in the early morning and acknowledging the fact that in order to do some “ good” that day, I have to empty myself completely and ask God to step in and do the work. God says to cast our worries on him, not so he can take them away, but so that we can be sustaied by his grace that is sufficient for us.
Yesterday, one of my students requested to talk with me in private. I was flabbergasted to hear this girl, who only a day before had stormed out of my class, while giving me the look of death, but now was standing in front of me, not only apologizing, but offering her help to make this a better class. Truly, I don’t know what to expect anymore. Every day is a new possibility to make mistakes and fail, but more importantly it’s also an opportunity to apologize, to be forgiven by the most unlikely of people, and to be redeemed. The following poem reminds me of God’s promise to make all things new, if I let him do the “ writing.” It assures me that tomorrow is another chance to experience God’s redeeming power.

Metaphor
By Eve Merriam

Morning is
A new sheet of paper
For you to write on.

Whatever you want to say
All day
Until night
Folds it up
And files it away.

The bright words and the dark words
Are gone
Until dawn
And a new day
To write on.

Friends and family: please continue to pray for me; I need it. Endless thanks to you Hannah for reminding me of the words of the Heidelberg catechism because my one comfort has truly become that, "I am not my own, but belong body and soul to my Savior." Your words echo in my head: “ Success is overrated. Faithfulness is what we need.” Thank-you dear friend for those pearls of wisdom. Amen.

Love, Love, and more Love,

Grace